From the Kalamazoo Express April 26, 2001
Here's a real life story problem: Four guys in a band, The Jonze, want as much beer as they can possibly buy. Between all of them, they manage to scrape together $15. They decide to send Chicken, the drummer, out on a beer run. When Chicken reaches the beer storem he realizes he only has room in his car for one item because his drums occupy most of the interior. In order to keep the band going throughout an entire two-hour rehearsal, what should Chicken Purcahse:
A) A six pack of Bell's (12oz X 6 divided by 4 = 18 oz. per person).
B) A four pack of Guinness Draught (14.9 oz X 4 divided by 4 = 14.9 oz per person).
C) A case of Busch bottles (12 oz X 24 divided by 4 = 72 oz. per person).
D) Orange Juice.
The correct solution is for Chicken to start his own solo career, keep all the $15, and go for the Guinness and the Bell's. The other acceptable solution is C - a case of Busch Bottles. It's all fine and good to be a beer snob when you have a six pack of great beer and just one or two friends to share with. For the most part, you're not going to rip into a fine beer like a hyena learing into a recently downed zebra. Most drinkers of snobby beers enjoy their brews slowls, taking in all the nuances, while slowly letting the buzz wrap them in its warm embrace.
Then there are bands. Bands dont go for subtly and character in beers. They go for cold, volume, and cheap. Beers like Busch. "It's one of the few things you can get in 24-pack bottles," says Stoo, The Jonze lead guitarist. When the hard-edged, fun-rock band first got together a few years ago, the four musicians would pool their money together and get the most bottles they could possibly get. At their local beer store that happened to be Busch/ "We wanted bottles, we wanted cheap," he continued nostalgically. "And now it's a favorite of ours. For old time's sake, we've got to drink the Busch. Plus it's called Busch, what else do you need?"
The band realizes that it may not be the best beer out there, but it's a beer that gets the job done and for a good price. The beer has even earned the definitive article "the" before it's name, the Busch.
Among beer snobs, Busch ranks with Bud, Miller and other mega-brewery beers cited as inhumane by the Geneva Convention.
One of my favorite ascpects of beers on the level is how they, the mega-brewers, act like they're really a small European brewery. Their marketing departments try so hard to legitimize their mass-produced beer. It would be rather pathetic if it weren't so funny. This quote is from Busch's website, busch.com (astrisks indicate restrained smirks on my part) "The Busch family of beers is brewed using only the finest premium*, all-natural ingredients, monitered constantly by our old-world trained brewmasters* to guarantee quality **, then packaged fresh for perfect balance and flavor*** in every can or bottle."
Busch will never win a beer competition. But that's not why fans of the beer, like The Jonze, buy it. They but it because it's cheap, cold, in bottles, and gets you buzzed.
its important to to point out the importance of how it gets you buzzed. A Bell's ot a Guinness would also get you buzzed but they're too heavy and comparatively expensive to drink for hours on end. With a Busch, you can start drinking early in the evening, get buzzed and maintain that buzz for several hours by constantly tossing back more beer. Easy!
An unrecognizef attribute of beers like Busch is that they're non-intrusivem meaning you don't have to be aware of the beer to appreciate it's benefits. In fact, the more unaware you are of Busch the better. Fine beers require that you periodically stop and actively partake in the consumption of the beer by at least acknowledging its finer merits. "Hang on, baby, I'll meet you in the bedroom in a minute, I'm just appreciating this beer's biting hops, creamy body and nutmeg aftertaste." With Busch, you couldn't get to the bedroom faster enough.
Busch is great when you're in a band like The Jonze and just want to keep it going. But if you're a beer snob, you may be better off leaving your band, picking up the accordion and starting your own solo career with a six pack of beer worth thinking about.